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Should I Marry an Angry Man?

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."¹

A Daily Encounter reader asks, "I just broke my engagement with a man whom I deeply loved. We have had a lot of problems and when he gets angry, he is out of control and says very hurtful words. He wants us to get back together but I am very confused. How can I know God's will?"

Dear Joanne (name changed), it is true that broken engagements and broken relationships can be incredibly painful. I know. I've been there. However, to discern God's will in these matters it might be wise to first ask, "What is not God's will?" In answering this question, you can be certain that it isn't God's will for you to allow anyone to abuse you. People who do are almost always codependent; that is, they have a need to "fix" others in order to avoid facing and "fixing" their own problems.

Second, you can be certain that God's will is that you first work on your own growth and maturity. There is a reason why you were attracted to an angry man. For instance, was your father an angry man by any chance? Whatever the reason, it is imperative that you ask God to face you with the truth about yourself, and to show you the issues in your life that you need to resolve. Furthermore, what we fail to resolve we are destined to repeat.

While God doesn't make our decisions for us, He will give us wisdom if we ask Him for it. Obviously we need to be very wise in such situations and not allow ourselves to be controlled by our heart alone. The reality is that as long as this man has a serious anger problem, anyone who marries him will be heading for future heartache and disaster.

Unless this man gets into an in-depth anger management counseling program (that probably isn't likely) to resolve his anger problem, it is imperative that you don't go back to him. And even if he does get into such a counseling program, you would need to have absolute assurance from his counselor that he has resolved his anger (and any other relational problem/s).

Much wiser for you to resolve your hurt and move on without this man in your life. Better to feel hurt and disappointed now than suffer for the rest of your life. I trust these suggestions will help.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, in every painful situation please give me the wisdom to see, first of all, what I am contributing to the problem, and the good sense to resolve my own issues first. And then help me to see the overall truth of the conflict I am in so I will know exactly what I need to do. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus's name, amen."

1. James 1:5 (NASB).

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